Sisterhood

Grumpy Mum watches as her two young daughters walk down the hallway, and disappear into the living room.

Little Sis (now known as Lolly, because she is so laid back, and lolls around so much) started to walk entirely independently two weeks ago, and her development in every area seems to have been vertical since then.

GM feels her heart swell, as she sees the girls negotiate around one-an-other, LML accommodating her young sibling in a way that was inconceivable even a month earlier.

A few minutes later GM hears Lolly laughter and LML squeals and takes a peek into the room.  The children are playing their own version of peek-a-boo, enjoying and entertaining each other.

Bliss.

Get thee gone – parts 1 and 2

Get thee gone # 1 …

Grumpy mum found herself sitting at the pc, tears of frustration, hurt and anger pouring down her face, grateful that Little Sis was asleep and LML was out with Crap Dad. She had managed to stop herself from packing a suitcase for Big Sis, and had instead texted Crap Dad to let him know what had happened. As she calmed down she began to write a letter

“Dear Big Sis

Notice to Quit

This is written notice that you need to leave home by Saturday 3^rd October 2009.

We recently restated the minimum standard of behaviour that we expect from you, if you are to continue to live at home. Today you failed to meet that standard and as a result I have decided that it really is time that you live independently.

At this time I am still willing to support you in your move away from home. I will view properties with you and help out with a bond and rent in advance.

If you are unable to find somewhere to live in the next seven days please come to us with your plan for moving on.

Obviously I continue to love you, and will always be here to provide you with support or help when you need it.”

Crap Dad arrived home as she was finishing the letter, and Grumpy Mum immediately explained that she had written the letter to get the frustration and upset off her chest, aware that the situation was much more difficult for him as Big Sis’s biological father, rather than a step parent.

Crap Dad hugged Grumpy Mum, read the letter and hugged her again. “You need to amend it love, so that it says ‘we’ all the way through.”

Get thee Gone # 2 …

Having talked, shouted and whined about moving out for months and months, without doing anything about it, Big Sis manages to find somewhere she can afford, that is self contained and has neighbours with similar interests to her own, in less than one week.

She views the property on her own, and then the next day takes Grumpy Mum. The entrance isn’t ideal, but the agent assures them that the previous tenants have never complained about any problems with that. The flat is ideal as a place to start out, and Big Sis is already excited and it’s agreed that she will take the tenancy.

Two days later, Grumpy Mum and Big Sis go to the letting agency, hand over £500 and with that Big Sis becomes a householder in her own right. On their way home, they discuss how and when Big Sis will move into her new home. Grumpy Mum is assured that there is a friend with a van, who can help out in the middle of the following week. Big Sis has already done much of her packing, Grumpy Mum has invested in a ’started pack’ consisting of the cleaning equipment and products needed to get the place up to scratch, so Big Sis plans to clean and decorate over the weekend and early the following week.

Over the weekend Big Sis drops in regularly and leaves with more and more of her ‘essential’ belongings, the original plan obviously having been abandoned. She has not slept at her former home since signing the tenancy agreement and getting her keys, despite her bed still being here. Her bedroom has been left with about a quarter of the packing left to do. Her bed has finally been dismantled, readying it for moving, but her ‘friend’ hasn’t appeared as yet. Her belongings are scattered throughout the house.

“It doesn’t feel like there’s any ‘closure’ with this drawn out, chaotic move.” mutters Crap Dad, as he trips over another bag of belongings.

Blood, sweat and tears

Little Sis is put to bed for her morning nap, the early mornings mean that she needs to sleep again sometime between 9 and 10 am.

Twenty minutes after Little Sis is put to bed, GM leaves to volunteer at the community gardening project the mostly functional parents are involved in.

Crap dad begins to tidy up the chaos caused by the terrible twosome, encouraging LML to assist by putting away some of the toys spread across the ground floor of the house. After 10 minutes CD hears Little Sis beginning to stir. He mutters something about 30 minutes not being a long enough sleep, as he goes upstairs to get her.

He returns downstairs with a smiling, happy Little Sis. Determined not to let the opportunity of a clear floor go, he gets out the vacuum cleaner and starts in the living room. Little Sis goes over to the toy box and starts to fish around in it. LML is in the dining room pushing her monkey about in her pushchair.

Crap dad moves into the hall and continues to vacuum up the detritus. He soon hears Little Sis start to cry. He pops his head around the door and tells LML ‘do not hit your sister, it’s kisses not hitting” and continues, leaving Little Sis a little distressed but hoping they’ll work it out themselves. He works his way back down the hall and looking into the living room he sees LML giving Little Sis a shove in the back, she bursts into tears. He turns off the vacuum and says, “No hitting!” as firmly as he can to LML.

The vacuum goes back on and he makes his way to the dinning room. He hears a clunk. ‘I don’t like the sound of that’ he thinks. He turns the vacuum off and hears that Little Sis is clearly in some distress. He walks around the corner to find Little Sis crawling towards him, her head covered in blood. As he takes in the scene, he sees his mug fly towards Little Sis. The mug misses her, it too is covered in blood. He picks Little Sis up, panicking as he can’t see where the blood is coming from. “What have you done?” he shouts at LML who is now running around the room.

He takes Little Sis to the bathroom and begins to clear up the blood, wiping it from her face, she screams in his arms. There are tears running down her face and mixing with the blood. He clears enough to realise that the cut is towards the back of her head. It is still bleeding copiously and he is unable to see how bad an injury it is. He is shaking, babbling, unable to speak coherently. He takes Little Sis downstairs and finds that LML has been in the first aid box that he got out for sterile wipes. She is smearing some unctuous cream all over the patio door windows. He grabs hold of the tube and LML and moves into the dining room. He sits LML on one settee and settles on the other and, with Little Sis on his knee still crying, he phones Grumpy Mum. No reply.

‘Shit!’ he thinks. He tries to calm down.

The phone rings, it’s GM. “Sorry love, I answered but the phone cut off. What’s up?”

“Erm, there’s been a bit of a disaster. Little Sis has blood all over her. LML bashed her over the head with my mug. There’s blood everywhere.”

“OK, I’ll be home soon.”

Don’t do it

When LML first came home the mostly functional parents ensured that all the safety precautions were undertaken and things like stair gates etc. were fitted. A gate was put on the kitchen door mainly because the kitchen is too small and when cooking you want to avoid a stealth crawling tiddler. Over time the gates have come off as both the mostly functional parents and LML have become more confident. With the arrival of Little Sis the stair gate returned immediately – mainly to stop LML going upstairs whilst Little Sis was napping and waking her up.

The mostly functional parents decided that they’d keep the one on the kitchen off and see how it went. However, this has now had to be revised. Not because of Little Sis and her stealth crawling but because LML has now grown tall enough to see across the surfaces. This has meant that any objects that takes her fancy, that look too good to resist, are grabbed at and snatched away. This can be food, cups, glasses, pans or knifes. Having spent a few weeks trying to manage LML’s behaviour the problem parents finally gave up and reinstalled a gate.

Yesterday Crap Dad was preparing some pasta for lunch and had left the gate open. LML saw her opportunity and grabbed at the small pile of food on the chopping board. She giggled as she ran from the kitchen putting the food in her mouth despite Crap Dad issuing the warning that she would like it. A few steps into the hallway and she stopped. A look of disgust crossed her face, she started to spit the substance out, flicking at her tongue to get the bits off, her face flushing pink.

“I told you not to eat it my love, it’s garlic, it’s not nice raw. Here have a drink” soothed Crap Dad.

Screaming Banshees

It’s been a while since we posted. The last few weeks have been hard work. Little Sis has settled in really well and has attached to us better than we could have expected. Where we have had to work hard is with Little Miss Loud, who transformed from the beautiful, funny, cheery child we knew so well into a relentless and merciless bully. Slapping, kicking, shouting and jumping on Little Sis at every opportunity she created a tension that has made each day a trial, a battle of wits, as we have fended off the blows and comforted the often screaming Little Sis.

It was distressing to see that one of the first things Little Sis learnt at her new home was a flinch reflex.

This has tested the Mostly Functional parents beyond anything they had anticipated. It has been hard to provide rational, thought out responses, to LML’s behaviour when Little Sis was in tears for sixth or seven time in an hour.

So what has changed?

The mostly functional parents have got better at heading the more serious confrontations off, Little Sis has toughened up (a little) and LML has started to enjoy the company of new sister. The random attacks haven’t ceased, they’re just less frequent, with less intent to hurt and are now interspersed with play between to two siblings.

For the fist time in weeks the Mostly Functional parents feel able to leave the children in a room together with some confidence that LML will not be making an immediate attack on Little Sis. They still listen for the tell tale sounds of LML’s rushing feet, but they no longer have to hurry to get back in the room, with the cloth or snack that they wanted; they no longer have to remove Little Sis every time they want to do something in another room and are getting better at reading the warning signs or stress and irritation in both children.

It’s been hard because LML’s development delay means that she doesn’t have to spoken or emotional language to express her feeling about this interloper in her world. The problem parents have had to find ways of communicating with her which acknowledges her feelings and reassures her that their love for her has not diminished. They are still learning this, and are beginning to think it may be a lifetime’s work.

It feels like progress is slow and painful, and the Mostly Functional parents need to remind themselves that Little Sis only came home 2 months ago, and just a few despairing weeks ago, they couldn’t see how things could improve so much in such a short time.

There are unanticipated consequences to the glasnost that is developing of course. Today Crap Dad was woken by LML and Little Sis playing their new favourite game with each other at the bottom of the stairs – screaming at each other at a tremendous volume. It’s not the most pleasant way to be woken up, but it’s so much better than than the wailing wake up call of just a few short weeks ago.

Consultation Exercise

LML was born three months prematurely and as a result of that (and some genetic factors) has experienced global developmental delay. The mostly functioning parents go to see the consultant paediatrician every six months or so, in order to monitor her development and progress.

Little Sis has also been diagnosed with global developmental delay and the mostly functioning parents attended the first joint appointment, for both girls.

“LML is doing really well” he confirms, after the first half hour of the consultation, “we still need to do some work around her speech and concentration, but she is progressing really well.”

The mostly functional parents use the opportunity to complain about the the lack of a speech therapist, after LML’s last one left for another job nearly five months ago and hasn’t yet been replaced.

The consultant acknowledges that there is a problem in this area and says he’ll see what he can do.

He then examines Little Sis, asking lots of questions about the mostly functional parents experience of her.

Having examined her and looked at her notes he says that he feels she is doing really well. That her ’social skills’ are in place and that these are the foundations for development. He comments that it is too early to be sure and that things could go either way, but that if she continues to develop in the way she is she should continue a ‘normal’ pattern of development.

He finishes by saying that they are both doing really well and that he’ll arrange another appointment for 3 to 4 months time.

The room is in chaos when the mostly functional parents leave, each of them with a child under an arm. Are you sure you’ve got everything? asks the consultant. “Yeah, we think so” comes the reply.

As the mostly functional parents wheel their charges, in their pushchairs, along the path home LML asks for a drink.

CD opens the bag to find that it’s not in there. “Oh no. She left it in the garage in the consultants office.” he says.

“Its all right. I’m back there next week to get Little Sis’s eyes tested” states GM wearily.

Quote(s) of the day

Grumpy Mum to Little Miss Loud, “Right, if I can’t watch ’singing in the rain” then the telly is going off!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

GM to LML, who is being told off for hitting her little sister (again),

GM – “You must not hit your little sister”

LML – “Meow… Meow… Meow…”

GM – “Talk to me as a little girl, not a cat!”.”

Not another case of swine flu

Little sis has had a temperature of over 38C over the past 36 hours. The problem parents aren’t feeling too good and LML is starting to hot up. With the BBC reporting that there have been over 100,000 new cases of swine flu over the past 7 days every cough, fever and sneeze has become a moment of anxiety.

Little Sis spent most of the day yesterday listlessly lolling in the mostly functional parents arms and today whingeing about how uncomfortable she’s feeling.

The thought of a houseful of swine flue victims really does fill the mostly functional parents with dread.

Sock it to her …

GM is feeding risotto to Little Sis, and the opportunistic spoonful to LML as she goes in and out of the dinning room.

LML comes back into the room to the high chair. She has put one of her socks on her hand and proceeds to play with Little Sis, tickling her face and neck and generally being very lovely.

All are delighted.

Days Like These

CD stays down stairs with LML, whilst GM takes Little Sis up stairs with her. Divide and rule may be effective, and at least Little Sis won’t be getting clonked on the head.

GM returns without Little Sis, having decided that she was ready for a nap. CD is looking a bit stressed.

“I don’t know how,” he begins “but LML managed to get BS’s nail varnish remover, and she had it in her cups and it’s all over the carpet!”

LML is happily running from room to room, and much to the relief of both parents she was clearly just playing at pouring, and hasn’t drunk any of the vile chemical.

GM gets the ‘Wet Vac’ out, as the carpet and room stink of chemicals, and proceeds to wash the carpet. As the machine is out, she decides to clean the carpet in the dinning room, which is pretty filthy, with the debris of the two sloppy eaters.

The carpet is soon transformed from grubby to vibrant colours and GM moves onto the mat by the back door which has the cat bowls on it. That is soon showing it’s original colours again too, and GM is feeling pleased with a productive mornings work.

CD has by this point tried to put LML to bed, but she just shouted at Little Sis until she woke her and refused to remain in her bed. He gives up trying to make the tired child go to bed, settles the baby back to sleep and brings LML down stairs with him.

“She’ll have to go to bed later” he sighs.

As GM is putting away the Vac, she hears CD shout in frustration. LML has poured a whole bowl of sugar over the just cleaned mat, and is busily rubbing it in!

Later in the day, GM goes up stairs to run the bath – it’s that time of the day at last.

“LML! Why have you done that?” she hears CD roar “just sit there”. This is soon followed by the distressed cries of Little Sis.

LML has found a half drunk cup of tea and has poured it all over the dining room carpet – it is not looking quite so clean any more. As soon as CD starts to clean up the mess, LML takes the opportunity to go into the other room and hit, poke and push her younger sister.

After cuddling and calming the distressed infant, GM marches LML up the stairs for her bath. Once the child is ready for bed they read a book together and cuddle on the sofa. GM sighs, breaths in the scent of the child sitting relaxed on her lap, she wonders how long it will be before things settle back into a ‘normal’ routine.