The morning had passed without incident and though LML was clearly under the weather her illness didn’t seem to slow her down. After a nap and some lunch Crap Dad decided that a whole day inside would drive them all stir crazy. The weather outside was cold and wet so they went to a local play centre.

Once there, coats and shoes off, both kids ran excitedly into the labyrinth of climbs, slides, walkways and crawl spaces. After a few minutes they are back encouraging Crap Dad to join them. He chases them around inside the play pen, they are quick and the centre is built for people a third if his size. He often loses sight if them. As he’s struggling to climb up through a series of twists and turns he hears a child start to cry. He hears a mother say, “Well if someone has hit you just hit them back”

A few minutes later he notices another small child crying and then another. He finds himself near an entrance where there is a mum comforting a child. She says to him that there is a child in the play pen going around hitting the other kids. He says he hasn’t seen anything. The mum goes off with the child to look for the culprit. Crap Dad has his suspicions, both LML and Lolly have been in the vicinity. He finds the kids and suggests they go and get a drink and some crisps. Over the snack he asks if either of them had been hitting the other kids. They both deny any involvement.

They eat most of their crisps, have a few gulps of juice, and are off again with a gentle reminder from Crap Dad to play nicely.

Crap Dad intends to follow but before he does a woman his walking towards his table, she has a child of about 18 months / two years in her arms. Both the woman and the child are crying. She is dragging LML to the table by her wrist. “I’ve just seen your child really hitting mine, over and over across the face. Really going for it. It was terrible” she says.

“LML!” Exclaims Crap Dad “You need to say sorry to the little girl and to her mummy. You know it’s not acceptable to hit, to hurt other people.”

LML stands there blank faced. Crap Dad tries again to elicit an apology, nothing. He apologies for LML’s behavior, A woman at the next table says “She hit my kid too”.

Crap Dad informs LML that because she’s hurt the other kids she’s going to have to stay with him for the rest of the visit to the centre. He sits LML on his knee and talks to her about hitting out at other kids and how it makes everyone sad.

Whilst he’s doing this he notices the woman he’d seen in the play area earlier walking towards him. She has a crying child in one arm and is pulling Lolly along behind her. She’s clearly is very angry. “Your child has just hit mine again!” She spits. “I’m really sorry” states Crap Dad. “Lolly, you need to say sorry to the woman and her boy” he insists. Lolly says a sheepish “Sorry”. Crap Dad apologizes again. The woman, who is furious says, “You ought to keep your bloody kids under control” and leaves.

He sits both kids on chairs and kneels down in front of them. “I’m really angry and disappointed with both of you” he says “It’s not acceptable to hit the other kids. It’s wrong. If you can’t play properly here then we are going to have to leave. At the moment I’m so angry with you I don’t know if I want to bring you back here again.”

Crap Dad puts their shoes and coats on and they leave. As he signs out he realizes they have been there for only thirty minutes.

Earlier in the week it followed a their second CAMHS appointment, which they attended without LML.

“I don’t feel like we got very far” says CD, “we didn’t get any further than the last session.”

“No” agrees GM, “we can only hope they actually read LML’s CPR before the next appointment. They have had it fir over a month.”

“I can’t believe that they asked us what we should do in the next session – who are the flippin therapists for goodness sake, us or them!!??”

They are pretty much in agreement that they ‘got it wrong’ – the week has been too unstructured and unplanned, too spontaneous, too wet and cold and just too too much for them all.

So, the next holidays the parents will remember a few rules

• it’s ok to divide and rule
• the weekly planner that is created for Little Miss Loud during term time will continue during the vacations – for every week
• activities will be planned in advance – even vague ones like ‘an outing’
• distance makes the heart grow fonder … time off nursery and play scheme do not need to coincide – indeed, it should be very well planned and executed if it happens at all when not actually ‘on a holiday’
• going to bed earlier and drinking a bit less might not be what the beleaguered parents want to do, but it’s probably for the best.

So, the Mostly Functional Parents need to put away spontaneity and impulse for now and really really knuckle down to predictability, planning and routine.

Sigh

“What shall be sing next Lolly?” asks Crap Dad.

“Coco baa, baa” quickly responds

“What?”

“Coco baa, baa.”

Crap Dad sings the words in his head but still can’t get it.

“Sorry, I don’t think I know that one. You sing it for me.”

“Coco baa, baa,

Coco baa, baa” Lolly sings repeatedly.

“Aaaah, London’s Burning!” exclaims Crap Dad .

“I” she points to her chest,

“Love” she spreads her hands over her chest,

“You” she points to GM and ends with a dazzling smile.

“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm yyyyyyyyy nnnnnnnnnn yyyyyyy nnnnnnn mmmmmmm yyyyyyyyyy”

GM sighs and raises questioning eyebrows.

Lolly continues her prevarication, smiles ‘the smile’ and eventually says “mmmm nnnnnnnn yyyyes.”

GM gets up from the table and takes a step.

“No” says Lolly with ‘the smile’.

GM just can’t seem to help her self .. “you don’t want a spoon?”

“Mmmmm nnnnnn yyyy …” the process starts again.

“Lolly, Do you want a spoon?”

“No”

“OK.” says GM and sits back down.

“Yes!” says Lolly.

“Too late” says GM, mostly keeping the snarl out of her voice.

“Whaaaaaa! Whhhhhaaaaaa! WHAAAAAAAA!” cries Lolly.

CD “No LML”

LML “Lolly orange”

GM “What does ‘no’ mean LML?”

Lolly “NO!”

GM “Does it mean ‘do it’ or ‘don’t do it’?”

Lolly “DO IT! DO IT!”

they were eating ice cream .. or ‘cone’ as Little Miss would say excitedly!

“Bloody LML and her apple obbession. Just emptied the washing and found an apple wrapped up in a sheet. Grrr! 60 degrees does nothing for an apples complexion. Hmmmmm! Apple scented laundry.”