“Mummy” says LML,
“I” she points to her chest,
“Love” she spreads her hands over her chest,
“You” she points to GM and ends with a dazzling smile.
It’s been a while since we posted. The last few weeks have been hard work. Little Sis has settled in really well and has attached to us better than we could have expected. Where we have had to work hard is with Little Miss Loud, who transformed from the beautiful, funny, cheery child we knew so well into a relentless and merciless bully. Slapping, kicking, shouting and jumping on Little Sis at every opportunity she created a tension that has made each day a trial, a battle of wits, as we have fended off the blows and comforted the often screaming Little Sis.
It was distressing to see that one of the first things Little Sis learnt at her new home was a flinch reflex.
This has tested the Mostly Functional parents beyond anything they had anticipated. It has been hard to provide rational, thought out responses, to LML’s behaviour when Little Sis was in tears for sixth or seven time in an hour.
So what has changed?
The mostly functional parents have got better at heading the more serious confrontations off, Little Sis has toughened up (a little) and LML has started to enjoy the company of new sister. The random attacks haven’t ceased, they’re just less frequent, with less intent to hurt and are now interspersed with play between to two siblings.
For the fist time in weeks the Mostly Functional parents feel able to leave the children in a room together with some confidence that LML will not be making an immediate attack on Little Sis. They still listen for the tell tale sounds of LML’s rushing feet, but they no longer have to hurry to get back in the room, with the cloth or snack that they wanted; they no longer have to remove Little Sis every time they want to do something in another room and are getting better at reading the warning signs or stress and irritation in both children.
It’s been hard because LML’s development delay means that she doesn’t have to spoken or emotional language to express her feeling about this interloper in her world. The problem parents have had to find ways of communicating with her which acknowledges her feelings and reassures her that their love for her has not diminished. They are still learning this, and are beginning to think it may be a lifetime’s work.
It feels like progress is slow and painful, and the Mostly Functional parents need to remind themselves that Little Sis only came home 2 months ago, and just a few despairing weeks ago, they couldn’t see how things could improve so much in such a short time.
There are unanticipated consequences to the glasnost that is developing of course. Today Crap Dad was woken by LML and Little Sis playing their new favourite game with each other at the bottom of the stairs – screaming at each other at a tremendous volume. It’s not the most pleasant way to be woken up, but it’s so much better than than the wailing wake up call of just a few short weeks ago.
Please don’t hit your little sister
It’s not nice to poke Little Sis in the eye
That’s lovely playing with Little Sis
When you hurt Little Sis it makes mummy and daddy sad
LML No!
Stop! LML just stop!
Well done for playing so nicely with Little Sis
Why did you do that?
Look what you have done
That’s good sharing LML
I don’t understand what you want Little Sis
Look you’ve made her cry, she wasn’t doing anything to you and you’ve made her cry.
Oh what a lovely kiss
Be gentle with Little Sis
That’s a really good attempt at feeding Little Sis
Would you like a cuddle?
You really need to stop throwing things at Little Sis
Oh! For gods sake!
It’s 11 am and LML slumbers in her mothers arms.
As she drifts away, she wonders why mummy and daddy are so grumpy. And what is it with this ‘Little Sis’ creature – when is she going back to the car that used to come with her?
She sucks her thumb and snuggles into the ample breast of Mummy. All the colours and sounds of the farmers market flicker through her memory, and with the images come the feelings – the desire to touch everything, the urge to run from one interesting thing to the next. The need to be picked up for a better view, to be put down, to get closer – to touch oh to touch, to taste, to feel. The frustration, the familiar sensation of the arched back, the arms pushing against daddy – ‘put me down put me down’ but he doesn’t understand.
Flick flick flick … it’s earlier, she has been sitting on mummy’s knee, thumb in mouth, the comfort of ‘suck’, a familiar DVD. She feels safe and content. Mummy goes away and returns with the ‘Little Sis’ . The Little Sis is funny and she laughs at her and mummy smiles at her and gives her a kiss, then mummy goes away again. The Little Sis crawls after Mummy, who calls out in a sing song voice “Little Sis, Little Sis, breakfast time”. She’s feels confused; breakfast time was ages ago, we’ve done that, she goes to see what is happening. Mummy is making something special for the Little Sis – not the same as her own breakfast – anticipation comes next – the Little Sis is going to go to the special chair, and Mummy will sit with her. The frustration bursts out and the item she is holding flies through the air, and she has Mummy’s attention again for a moment. “yaberyabberblahblah” she repeats back to her Mummy, who laughs (agreeing that she does sound like that).
Flick flick … Mummy is not looking at her, even though she is smiling and chattering. Mummy is looking at the Little Sis, she is laughing and smiling. Putting a spoon in the mouth of Little Sis. ‘My Mummy!’ she thinks and goes behind the special chair. Mummy smiles and talks to her and then her attention is gone again. She moves around to the other side of the chair, and Mummy offers her some of the special food .. it feels lumpy and slimey and isn’t good – Mummy has given her nasty food – the Little Sis is eating it – she pushes her hand in the Little Sis’s face, and is told to go away by Mummy.
Flick .. frustration, loss, confusion – you will take notice of me. Mummy bats the shoe out of the air and jumps up out of her seat. Yes! But she is marched into the other room and told to stay there and mummy leaves again. A bursting anger, escaping as a high pitched scream and then tears, and only when she is feeling spent does Mummy return. Daddy comes too, and he holds her in his arms and talks to her in his soothing voice, and the feeling of safety and contentment returns.
As she drifts into a deeper sleep, she feels the kiss on the top of her head, senses the arms holding her safely and hears the steady beat of her Mummy’s heart.
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