29 10 2011

“Mummy” says LML,

“I” she points to her chest,

“Love” she spreads her hands over her chest,

“You” she points to GM and ends with a dazzling smile.

3.15pm to 5.15pm

24 06 2011

“I can cope with talking to her teacher about her attacking another child repeatedly, whilst they tried to stop her…”

“I can cope with  her throwing herself around on the floor of the bus, shrieking, with everyone looking at us…”

“I can cope with her pouring the water out of the jug over the window and floor as soon as we got home…”

“I can cope with her constant shouting and shrieking…”

“I can cope with her attacks on Lolly…”

“but I am fucked off that we can be having such a lovely positive time, and she takes a tiny opportunity to cover the living room in soy sauce.”


New hair day

17 06 2011

GM arrives home, and before the door is half open LML is shouting “WOW Mummy. Mummy home!” at the top of her lungs.  She launches herself down the hall into her mothers arms, “wow mummy, wow. Snip snip hair”.  She quickly strokes her mums face and hair, provides a kiss full of passion and races back into the living room.

GM sighs a deeply content sigh as she gives the waiting Lolly a cuddle and kiss.


Sick Note.

19 12 2010

Spotty, snotty, smelly. LML and Lolly have been ill for the past two weeks.

If there was a market for snot then the mostly functional parents could have made a fortune.

The sleepless nights are now starting to take their toll. Dispositions are becoming frayed and fractious – and that’s just Grumpy Mum and Crap Dad.

Letter Box Contact

11 11 2010

Bring, bring…. bring bring

“Hello, letter box service”

“Hi, it’s Crap Dad, LML and Lolly’s dad. We’ve just received our letter box contact from birth mum and birth grandmother. I’m afraid they are again unacceptable. Both of them have the senders address and telephone numbers on, they are full of things like, ‘I’ll find some way to see you soon’, ‘ We’ll together again one day…’ I don’t want my daughters to see these. I’m going to have to send them back to you.”

“That’s OK Crap Dad. Would you like us to check them in future to see if they are appropriate or not?”

“Yes please.”

“OK, we’ll do that. Send them back to me and I’ll put LML and Lolly’s files in the red folder.”

“Thank you. Bye”


Theraputic Parenting …

14 06 2010

How NOT to do it

The carrier bag with LML’s favorite soft toy, the very dirty, very wet Kitty-cow, flies through the window and lands in the garden.

“The bloody cat can stay in the bloody garden” shouts GM.

“Where cat? Where cat?” asks LML over and over again.

GM rants that the cat is in the garden because LML “WILL NOT DO AS SHE IS TOLD!” “And it can bloody well stay there.”


10 minutes later, when GM and LML have had a cuddle and things have calmed a little, they go up stairs, fill a basket of washing and retrieve the mucky toy from the garden. They load the washing machine together, and place the dirty cat inside.

“Kitty-cow dirty” states LML.

“Yes love, Kitty-cow dirty”


13 06 2010

Lolly is standing looking at a book as LML rapidly approaches from behind. LML grabs Lolly’s face just as CD notices what is happening.  He cries out “LML, don’t do that!” Too late.

Lolly remains standing and there is a moment of silence. Then LML’s face begins to distort. She pulls away from Lolly.

“Lolly bite!” She screams through swelling tears. “Lolly bite!” becoming increasingly distraught, “Lolly bite!” she keeps repeating through flooding tears. “Lolly bite!”

CD tries to comfort her. He makes a big display of telling Lolly “No biting” Lolly looks at him blankly, there is even a hint of a smile on her face. He makes a concious decision not to rise to the bait.

“Lolly bite!” LML continues to scream and wail through her copious tears.

GM joins the scene and takes the distressed LML into her arms. “Lolly bite!” she stammers through the tears. She shows the damaged finger end to GM, there are clear teeth marks, the skin slightly broken.  She continues to wail and sob intermittently for a few more minutes.

The mostly functional parents exchange a glance and smile over the top of the distraught child’s head, acknowledging the role reversal. GM considers using it as a learning opportunity, pointing out to LML that this is how Lolly must feel after LML’s regular physical attacks, but decides that the older daughter is too distressed to take in the learning and will wait for the opportunity later.

silence may be golden, but …

31 05 2010

GM hears rapid footsteps on the stairs, giggles and laughter, and CD’s “no no girls, leave mum in bed.” She looks at the clock – it’s 7.45 so she decides she can manage another 15 minutes before getting up.

She wakes again at about 8.30, and lays in bed, listening to the sounds of her home. At first all is quiet, but suddenly the silence is broken by peals of laughter from LML, and shrieks of excitement from Lolly.

GM rises, smiling and feeling happy.


15 05 2010

CD opens his eyes. Instinctively he knows its early, so doesn’t want to look at the clock. It’s what he and GM euphemistically call his turn to ‘lie-in’. He can hear LML shouting at the top of her voice  “ning, ning, nah…ning, ning, nah” repeatedly. Clearly she’s got the cat cornered somewhere, but he knows GM will deal with it or the cat will make a quick get away.

‘It’s too early’ he thinks to himself and roles over.

10 minutes later he can hear LML shouting, “You can’t catch me.” as she tries to cajole GM into an early morning chase around the living room.

CD turns over again, trying to clear his mind of work related detritus and other clutter, trying to relax enough to go back to sleep.

More time passes… Turning over again he catches sight of the clock and sees that it is 6.20. He sighs and knows that he is unlikely to go back to sleep but he’s unwilling to give up just yet.

“Wakey- wake!” shouts LML from the bottom of the stairs as she tries to rouse her little sister. Lolly replies with a moan. “Lolly awake, Lolly wake, Lolly awake” screams LML.

Feeling that this level of exhaustion will never leave his body CD rolls over and gives up any idea of getting more sleep. ‘Bugger,’ he thinks to himself, ‘if I can’t get back to sleep I’m not going to get up’. He reaches down the side of the bed, gets his book, and reads the final pages of Nassim Nicholas Taleb’s “The Back Swan”. Random events indeed.

“you look horrified ..”

7 04 2010

this is what Big Sis says as GM sits on the edge of the sofa, hand over mouth, feeling sick.

She takes the statement as an opening, “I feel horrified” she starts and tries to gather her thoughts.

“You’ve just described a ‘brilliant night out’ which you had on the proceeds of the property you stole from this house.”

Big Sis denies this, stammering something about a friend paying for her to go out, and starts to go into detail.

GM interrupts, “You just don’t get it Big Sis” and the conversation ends.

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