Groundrules

LML marches around the house repeatedly chanting a new mantra, “I’m in charge! I’m in charge!”

Crap Dad and Grumpy Mum look at each other, “Nothing new there then” comments Crap Dad

Safe hands

LML comes home from her play scheme looking decidedly poorly. She had slowed down to a worrying shuffle.

“Me feel poorly mummy.” Says the sad looking little girl, patting her tummy.

The family have their dinner, and LML tries her best to eat a little spaghetti, sitting up on the sofa under her quilt. She doesn’t eat very much and it rapidly becomes clear that she is feeling poorlier.  CD finds her in the hall, trying to remove her nappy, looking distressed and uncomfortable.

LML manages to walk up five steps before she stops, clutching her tummy, crying “wee wee mummy, wee wee.”.  GM scoops her up and carries her the rest of the way, placing her on the floor when they get to the landing.  GM goes and gets a nappy from the bedroom and starts to steer the ailing child towards the bathroom.

Suddenly all the signs are there … GM goes into catch mode … LML clutches at the arm in front of her and throws up into the cupped hands .. somehow GM manages to open the bathroom door and get to the loo without spilling a drop from her overflowing hands. A quick rinse of her hands and then a dash to the sick child to catch the next lot, which goes down the sink.  GM manages to get the weeping child to the sink to finish off being sick.

LML is clear that she just wants to go to bed.  By the time GM has got LML comfortable in bed,cleaned the sink, washed her hands (three times!) and got water and sick bowl, LML is sleeping soundly.  GM sits for 5 minutes, looking at her beautiful, pale, poorly daughter, checking that she is breathing ok and then goes down stairs.

“Never, not in a million years, would I have anticipated,” she says to CD, ” .. there is absolutely no way .. I would have thought it completely impossibe that one of the things I would be really good at, as a parent, would be catching vomit!”

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Regroup! Regroup!

The Mostly Functional Parents had both been looking forward to a whole week with no work, no school and no nursery.  By the end of the week they are on their knees with exhaustion, frustration and disappointment.

They are pretty much in agreement that they ‘got it wrong’ – the week has been too unstructured and unplanned, too spontaneous, too wet and cold and just too too much for them all.

So, the next holidays the parents will remember a few rules

• it’s ok to divide and rule
• the weekly planner that is created for Little Miss Loud during term time will continue during the vacations – for every week
• activities will be planned in advance – even vague ones like ‘an outing’
• distance makes the heart grow fonder … time off nursery and play scheme do not need to coincide – indeed, it should be very well planned and executed if it happens at all when not actually ‘on a holiday’
• going to bed earlier and drinking a bit less might not be what the beleaguered parents want to do, but it’s probably for the best.

So, the Mostly Functional Parents need to put away spontaneity and impulse for now and really really knuckle down to predictability, planning and routine.

Sigh

60°C

Text from Crap Dad to Grumpy Mum

“Bloody LML and her apple obbession. Just emptied the washing and found an apple wrapped up in a sheet. Grrr! 60 degrees does nothing for an apples complexion. Hmmmmm! Apple scented laundry.”

Changing of the Guard

“You’ll be seeing a different doctor today, the old one has moved on to pastures new” the administrator informs the Mostly Functional parents as they begin the routine that is the six monthly child development appointment.

The new doctor seems friendly enough, she soon starts to examine Lolly. She questions the Mostly Functional parents about Lolly’s health and behaviour. “I think she needs additional support. I’ll contact the nursery SENCO to make a referral for early years funding.”

The kids are bouncing around the consultation room, in to everything. GM and CD spend a lot of time stopping them from playing with the medical equipment that is all over the room, the sink, the giant paper rolls, the surgical gloves, the curtain. They tag team it, without any need for discussion or agreement.

It’s soon LML’s turn. After a number of routine questions the paediatrician focusses in on LML’s behaviour. “Is she always like this?” she enquires as LML flits from one prohibited activity to another.

“I would like to refer her to the Child & Adolecent Mental Health Service (CAMHS), it’s difficult because many of the behaviours for Attachment Disorder are also seen in ADHD. I think we should assess her for ADHD, medication may help slow her down and focus more, making it easier for her to access education.”

Grumpy Mum is quick to say, “When we adopted LML we knew her behaviour might be challenging, we accepted that that’s who she is. I’m not sure either of us would want to manage her behaviour with drugs.”

The parents accept that this is a route in to CAHMS though; something they have been talking about how to achieve for some time. The Mostly Functional parents agree to complete a Connor’s Parent Rating Scale. Not convinced that the paediatrician, after less than an hours consultation, has made a correct ‘diagnosis’, they still see the benefits of the route she is proposing as it’s likely to open up new opportunities for support for the family and LML.

‘Appy Daddy, Daddy Day’

Crap Dad wakes to the sound of screaming. He tries to ignore it to gain a few precious more minutes sleep but it’s no good. The noise has wormed it’s way into his consciousness. He reluctantly gets out of bed and wonders downstairs.

He finds Grumpy Mum on the settee with LML on her lap snuggled into her shoulder and Lolly tightly curled up tight beside her.

“Yer a bit noisy you lot. How am I supposed to have a lie in when at 7.30 in the morning there’s all this screaming” he enquires.

“We’ve had a bit of a difficult morning so far Dad” GM says. “Lolly’s still not feeling any better and LML has been struggling a bit.

We’ve also had a bit of an incident with the milk. I think LML thought it was a good idea to give the cat a drink of milk. I was in here, if I’m honest snuggled with Lolly, slipping between consciousness and sleep having been up a four times in the night and then getting up with these at 5am. So I didn’t realise that LML had slipped away and how long for. It was only when the cat came charging into the room soaked in milk that I realised that something was wrong.

By the time I’d got to the kitchen it was covered  2 litres milk. It’s surprising how far 2 litres of milk can go.

We’ve tidied up as best we can but the floor’s going to need mopping and the rug is going to need cleaning. It’s already starting to smell.”

Crap Dad mumbles something about there be be enough milk for a cup of tea as he slopes of towards the kitchen

oh la la

Grumpy mum is very pleased to have finally figured out how to do french plaits  … Little Miss Loud has been very patient for the last two evenings, letting mum fiddle with her hair before bedtime.

Joyfull and triumphant

“Mummy, there.” says LML as she points to the cooling towers in the distance with their white / grey steam drifting in the wind.

“Yeah, they’re cloud makers.”

Later.

As bath time finishes and LML and Lolly are dried Grumpy Mum says, “It’s traditional to have new PJ’s on christmas eve.” and reveals new pairs of christmassy pyjamas that have been warming on the radiator.

“Wow, we!” exclaimed LML

 

Oh come all ye faithfull

The mostly functional parents sat having a drink with Crap Dad’s parents at the end of a long day

It had started early, as usual. Grumpy Mum had spent the previous evening packing so they were organised and proceeded through the morning routine without much of a hitch.

The taxi to the train station arrived a few minutes late but they had plenty of time. As they were almost at the station Crap Dad realised that he hadn’t picked up the train tickets. “Turn the taxi around please, we need to go back” said Crap Dad laughing at his stupidity. The taxi driver laughed “Two things you can’t leave without,” he says “the tickets and the kids.”

Despite travelling during their morning nap time both LML and Lolly are on their best behaviour. Which isn’t to say that they are the best behaved kids travelling on the busy train, just that for them they were reasonably well behaved.

Crap Dad’s parents meet them at the station. LML shouts out ‘Nanny’, ‘Granddad’ runs towards them and gives them big hugs. Lolly follows behind arms stretched out, beaming her big smile.

The mostly functional parents exchange a look and smile.

LML asks instantly, “Where Pippa?” Pippa is Nan and Granddad’s dog. It is a refrain they will hear repeatedly over the next half hour as the travel to the grandparents home.

For the rest of the afternoon “Pippa” is just about the most exciting thing in the world. Chased, stroked, patted. The dog is in constant demand. Both kids are beside themselves when the dog licks them or comes to sits beside them.

After the kids have gone to bed, LML asking to go to bed early, hardly touching her snack or milk, the dog collapses in a heap exhausted from an afternoon with Lolly and LML. The mostly functional parents know how she feels.

Morning

Routine is everything in the Mostly Functional household, morning, noon and night.

CD & GM had had enough of 5am starts, so a month ago they bought and ‘day and night’ clock, which changes when it is morning.  It provides the girls with a very visual sign that it is morning.

At the end of three weeks the girls had started to wake closer to 5.30 in the morning most days and 6am maybe twice a week.

THEN THE CLOCKS CHANGED.

5.15 this morning was a vast improvement on the previous days, which have consistently been 4.something am.  For some reason LML has woken lively and unwilling to stay quietly in bed.  She shouts, kicks, objects and wakes everyone.

The mostly Functional parents hold onto the hope and belief that they will not always have to rise so early, nor battle at the beginning of their day .